Fantasia on a Theme by Thomas Tallis by Ralph Vaughan Williams

Sometimes, I just feel so inferior.

So here's the story:

I've played violin since I was four years old. That's 15 years. 15 years of not practicing very well. 15 years of loving performing. 15 years of the beautiful 4 stringed instrument that is just a part of my identity. I grew up being known as the girl who plays the violin. In the small town where I grew up, that WAS my identity. And I let it become that way. And I took it for granted.

Because, guess what? I'm not all that great. I let it go to my head that I was one of the only really good violinists in town growing up (so, I didn't know about all the other people . . . I decided that I was the most magnificent and I let people know.) So for 15 years, I have let the fact that I play the violin, and that I play it well make me an arrogant and cocky snob who believed for a while that she was SO spectacular and she didn't even have to try all that hard.

For the past few years, I have gotten away with hardly any practicing. I have shown up to every Utah Valley Youth Symphony Orchestra rehearsal with no outside practice, and here's the thing: I could play nearly everything with not much effort.

So here's what I decided. Today in church we talked about talents. And you know the quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson? "That which we persist in doing becomes easier for us to do, not that the nature of the thing is changed, but that our power to do is increased." Well, might it be possible that I'm only good because I've played for so long? And by "good" I don't mean amazing virtuoso good. I just mean able to play or fake play most everything without even trying. I have learned how to pretend like I'm amazing, and I've spent the last 15 years doing it.

And so, I know things have got to change. I want to be a Music Educator SO dang bad. I just KNOW that's it's what I'm supposed to do with my life. I don't have a plan B. And what it takes is my acceptance into the Music Program here. What it takes is some practice and humility. Because since being here, I've realized that I'm really only a mediocre at best violinist. I'm really terrible compared to all the violinists already IN the music program. And I don't KNOW anything.

On Friday night I watched the USU Symphony Orchestra perform this song. This is a selection from YouTube -- not the one I heard but sounds similarly gorgeous:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5y7nJL1hpUU

Within the next few months, I have to undergo some major habit and mind transformations. I need to practice. I need to be humble enough to realize that I am only going to get where I need to go with some serious, serious effort.

15 years. Time to start over.

Just the Way You Are by Bruno Mars

"But every time she asks me 'Do I look okay?' I say:

When I see your face, there's not a thing that I would change,

Cause you're amazing

JUST THE WAY YOU ARE."

AND IN TRIBUTE OF GIRLS WHO ARE BEAUTIFUL JUST THE WAY THEY ARE:

Alright. This is the epitome of cute. Like for serious.

And it is VERY true the girls are way too critical of themselves -- myself included. We're all very insecure. Moving into an apartment with five other wonderful beautiful girls has made me realize just HOW hard we are on ourselves.

So yes, it's true that we don't like going anywhere AFTER we've washed all our make-up. And yes, it's true that I was late to a class one day cause I HAD to wash my hair. And we change a million times because we're never QUITE satisfied with how we put ourselves together that day. And even the girls we think are absolutely STUNNING are insecure. In fact, sometimes they end up being horribly and ridiculously insecure, with NO reason to be.

But guess what? We are all BEAUTIFUL WONDERFUL RADIANT DAUGHTERS OF GOD.

And NEVER forget that!!